As someone who dreamed of becoming a Dad since I was sixteen years old, I have endured multiple miscarriages in my relationships. I witnessed a grown man die tragically, in his early twenties, say his last words and die before my eyes. Both of my parents died recently, my Mom after years of Alzheimer’s. I have a close relative who attempted suicide. I had a close colleague in a small team of six succeed at suicide. I have had struggles with anxiety and one bout of depression. I have had cancer. I have been betrayed by people I thought were friends, in at least one case causing me to lose a coveted job. I have waded through three investigations against me, each unfounded. I have been divorced twice and failed at virtually every romantic relationship I have ever had. I have watched my children face painful experiences that I choose not to identify publicly. And there is so much more.
And yet, I am a survivor. I have never seen myself as a victim. This has been an active choice, more than vocabulary. It is a way of seeing life. I am blessed and deeply thankful.
This is a sensitive topic with nuanced definitions. For some, this may be triggering. What follows are my thoughts alone. I do not judge anyone who self-identifies as a victim. I do, however, encourage people to understand they have choices about how they approach adversity, especially in the workplace.
A victim is typically someone who is assaulted, injured, destroyed, or sacrificed. Someone who is subjected to violence, oppression, hardship, or other setbacks. Victims are prey. They are targets. They are the object. They have little to no control. Victims need to be rescued.
The exact same experiences happen to survivors. But survivors turn the table. They are the subject. They are empowered. They are making it or have made it through. They take control of the narrative and how they respond to events and experiences. Survivors are in control.
For those of you who have suffered truly tragic experiences in your personal life, my heart, compassion, and thoughts are all on your side, no matter how you identify. My purpose here is to simply address the narrow scope of how individuals in the workforce can choose to be survivors, and the difference that can make for them. In so doing, I am solely focused on work, not actual violence or harassment. Through the following victim prompts, I offer survivor approaches.
Nobody listens to me. I have been asked dozens and dozens of times in my career about how to get a boss to listen to you. Survivors succeed, not by asking, but by becoming invaluable. If you deliver your boss unsolicited high-quality products and counsel, they will listen to you every time. Respect is earned, not given.
My co-workers don’t like me. Survivors are not phased by this and rarely even notice. It is a job, not a country club. While survivors do not seek out conflict, that also do not shy away from it. The mission is the guiding rod. Relationships can be wonderful, but they are secondary.
I am not being included in the decision-making. Survivors do their homework, conduct research, and provide input whether asked or not. Upon sound input, survivors don’t need to force their way in; leadership and colleagues come looking for them. Survivors also understand that, depending on their position in the organization, they do not expect to be a part of every decision.
I am not given awards that reflect my accomplishments. Ultimate success relies on intrinsic rewards, not extrinsic. Survivors do not need a plaque or a certificate. The need and earn accomplishments, respect, and promotions. These are the true awards.
My boss is mean to me. Survivors see that tone as business. It’s not personal. Content is more important than tone. If the boss doesn’t like something a survivor produced, the survivor will immediately fix that issue and look for additional extra credit opportunities to shine.
Victims need to be rescued. Survivors take control. In the workplace, it’s a choice.
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Stoneking Strategic Communications (SSC) 