Living Life on My Terms
Sometimes, when we talk to our kids, we will say something like, “If I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times.” In Emergency Management we flip that concept and say things like, “If you have been to one disaster, you have been to one disaster.” Because no two disasters are the same. As I close in on one year in retirement, I find the same mantra to be true. If you have heard about one retirement, you have heard about one retirement. We retire at different ages, for different reasons, to pursue different futures.
I’m writing this, as my brother Jason has done – and would say – for an audience of one. In this case, me. I’m sharing it publicly hoping for some icing on the cake, should anyone find interest, value, or inspiration.
I will begin with a few lessons learned and then transition to what I have done with this year. Save the dessert for last (after typing about cake above, that’s where my mind wandered).
Lessons Learned
If I had to do it all over again, I would have delayed half a year and retired on Dec 31st. Upon collecting social security one can only earn about $23,000 a year (updated annually) without penalty. I thought that meant, effective the day after you retire, but learned too late that the income I made prior to retirement counted against that threshold, so I was unable to earn supplemental income the first six months of retirement.
Another lesson I learned was that my family, friends, and colleagues knew me better than I knew myself. They all predicted that I would get bored. There is no way, I assured them. I have so much I plan to do. And I have done a great amount of things, as I will get to soon. But they were still right. My appetite for doing things is strong. I always have to be doing something, at least until about 4:00 p.m. when I am finally happy to sit on the couch with a beer and the remote. Too often I would hit the 2:30 or 3:00 pm mark feeling like I had nothing left to accomplish for the day, but I refused to give into the couch. I am getting much better at how I manage each day, but it has been a journey.
Another lesson. Retirement for me, doesn’t fully mean that I no longer work. I retired from a full-time government job and for the second time in my life earned a pension. But I still work. I love to work. My niece Steph once observed to her mom (my sister) Jen, “It seems like Uncle Dan is working more since he retired than he did before he retired.” Yep. But I am doing it on my terms and that has made all the difference.
I really only have one last lesson learned worth mentioning. And this is the one that stung a bit. While there has never been a single second that I missed my job, I could not predict how much I would miss the people. I am extremely thankful that I continue to stay in touch with a few, but like a snap of a finger, I lost thirty or forty friends from work. They may have been peers or members of the team, but to me they were also friends. I tried to make efforts to stay connected. But I felt like my outreach was met with polite disinterest. I started to feel like that old has-been who could not let go. I never blamed any of them. We all tend to focus on the life right before us. And not everyone considers work relationships as friendships too. Still, the void lasted several months. Beyond the emotional connection, I lost that many adults to talk to about stuff. Then one day, I was reading a non-fiction book where a young man was complaining about a similar experience, losing his community. The wise man pointed out that he did not lose the community. He may have lost a community. And he helped the younger man understand that the whole world is a community filled with limitless smaller communities. It was not an end, but a change. From that moment on, I was at peace with it all.
The Bucket List
One of the first things I did when I retired was to write a Bucket List. I wish I had saved the original list because I was knocking items out and crossing them off so fast that I may have forgotten some. And some of things I accomplished never even made it to the list; they just popped up as targets of opportunity. In random abstract order (which is ironic because during my entire professional career I was concrete sequential), here’s how I spent my first year of retirement.
I wrote a book of poetry called Still in Motion, available on Amazon in eBook format only. The poems actually span thirty years, to include some new ones. I wanted to have something to leave behind for my daughters. The only copies I printed were for each of them. Somehow, the book sold a whopping three copies.
I collaborated with another writer and my brother to publish a second book called Cultivate your Garden: Crisis Communications from 30,000 Feet to Three Feet. This is a real book. Almost 60,000 words. I am immensely proud of the content. I published it entirely on my own at zero cost, not one dollar. In all humility, I made just about every mistake one could make with formatting. It is available in both paperback and eBook. In the first week of its releases, the book ranked #1 in the Strategy and Competition category and the Business Decision Making category. At the same time, it ranked #2 in the Mentoring and Coaching category. The reviews on Amazon are all five stars. I was sixteen years old when I first dreamed about writing a book. I will be proud of this all of my days. My friend Ed, a much more successful author, kindly gave me advice and support every step of the way.
Recently, I began writing another book, my first novel. Again, this is a collaboration. This time with my daughter-in-law. The novel is based on the true story of her life. She has endured and conquered more than most people I know, and she is still only in her thirties. We have completed the first four chapters and hope to publish by Autumn. Fiction and non-fiction are very different experiences, though equally rewarding.
I created my own company, Stoneking Strategic Communications, LLC. Depending on the day you asked me, this was either easier or harder than I anticipated. I did the LLC paperwork. I registered with Sam.Gov to qualify for government work. I did more paperwork to get registered as a Veteran Owned Small Business. And then I rebuilt a website, www.danstoneking.com , that my friend Jenna created for me a dozen years ago. I have received some work through the LLC and have more opportunities on the horizon.
I jumped out of my comfort zone and reached out to West Chester University, sharing my background and my eagerness to contribute to their curriculum by speaking to classes or any other way that may be helpful. My courage to be a temporary extrovert paid off and I have had the fortune to speak with two different classes and have a third one scheduled. The energy of the students, professors, and curriculum exceeded all expectations. I was invited to apply for a position as an adjunct professor and I am keeping my fingers crossed that I may be able to teach a class or two starting in the Fall. My friend Eryn, an expert crisis communicator and beloved educator, has been a role model and a champion for my opportunity. I am forever thankful to her.
As I am writing this, I have published 73 editorials I am averaging 1 ½ per week, but it does not feel like work. They are all available on both Substack and my website.
The editorials and the website inspired me to add video shorts to my outreach. I have only published seven so far. The experience has been a blast. I started off by going to social media and admitting I did not have a clue. So many friends offered advice, tips and tricks. I think my videos continue to improve. The other day I was watching a “YouTube Influencer” with Chloe and noticed that they made the video in selfie mode but never edited to reverse the image, so all the words were backwards. Thanks to my friend Susan, I learned early on how to fix that. I find that my editorials have a greater reach on Substack and Facebook, but the videos reach more people on TikTok and LinkedIn. I am averaging about 700-800 views on TikTok. I wonder why that many people would view them and then wonder how many people quit within a few seconds. It’s all good.
Another big project this year was creating an association. We will formally launch in the next few months. I took this idea from finding a gap, developing a plan, seeking the best and brightest to join me on the Board of Directors, to creating the actual LLC and 501c3 as a non-profit. We are now fully official as we are putting the final touches and content into our website before we go live. It has been a lot of labor, but a labor of love.
Very soon after I retired, I was invited to join other communicators from different countries to collaboratively write a paper for Oxford. The main focus is the Role of Media in Early Warning Systems. I was, and am, in awe of this talented group of people. I thought I might be exposed for not having the same level of gravitas each of them have earned. But to a person they have been smart, kind, approachable and welcoming. The paper has gone through two peer reviews and should be published soon. Like the association, I am honored to be among such talented individuals.
In January, I completed 365 straight days learning Spanish on Duolingo. The year prior I made it 75 days until I fell ill with COVID, lost my streak and had to start over. I was excited to pursue the language for many reasons, but mostly to speak the language of Tania, my novia (girlfriend) at the time. In addition to that, taking on any new skill or habit for an entire year straight validates my will and determination. It is a satisfying achievement.
I also worked through Charles Schwab and bought stock for the first time in my life. I purchased stock in Amphastar Pharmaceuticals, the stock is making money, and the other day I got to vote virtually at our annual meeting as a shareholder. A new experience.
I also took a Salsa class for the first time in my life. Just one. I was awful and it was expensive. I wanted to dance with Tania, but we both realized I would run out of money before I mastered it. I’m still proud of trying. It was a one-on-one class. Dancing around the room surrounded my mirrors was intimidating, but it was also kind of cool, a visual I had only seen on TV before.
My friends and family may have been most surprised when I entered a Spoken Word Contest. I signed up, wrote fresh material. And drove to a bar in Delaware to perform. My son and daughter-in-law joined me for moral support. When I arrived, I quickly realized that I was in the minority in both race and age, but everyone instantly felt like family. Everyone was so nice. I was the first one called up to the stage, which was good and bad. I got to get through it before too many nerves set in, but not having watched anyone else, I had no idea on expectations. I performed the two short pieces I prepared, and they seemed well received. After about twenty performers, I was one of three who were invited for an encore performance. I did not have any more material, so on the spot I converted a story I had told often, about my Dad and I installing docks at the lake, into a spoken word / rap format, rhyming and even singing a few lines from Cat Steven’s Father and Son. It was a magical night.
It was a year of travel. My siblings and I took a Summer trip to New Hampshire to spread our parent’s ashes. I escorted Ivy to Disney World for her World Cheer Championship. Two trips to Puerto Rico. Fulfilled a lifetime goal by going on a trip to Ireland, making new friends, and singing a full song in a bar for the first time in my life. Enjoyed a weekend in Gettysburg with my brother and sister, Mike and Jen. And another visit to Charlottsville to visit with Mike at his home. And, finally, a few trips to Washington DC, reconnecting with old friends in my old stomping grounds. I rushed through this paragraph, but each adventure was filled with wonderful stories and memories.
I applied for a job as a tutor and instantly got hired. It seems insignificant, but it stood out for a few reasons. It was the first time in a dozen years that I applied for a job, so there was validation in receiving the offer. In the end, I turned it down before ever meeting with a student. The offer was $15.00 an hour and I realized that I valued my skills and time more than that. Any job has honor, especially helping young people, but I have had a tendency to sell myself short and felt like taking a stand in this instance was a sign of growth for me.
I became a biker. Both Peloton and outdoor. I struggle with the Peloton. It just doesn’t match my style. I crave the outdoors and have fallen in love with biking through those experiences. Three trips stand out above the rest. My record distance so far is a 52-mile rails-to-trails ride from Exton PA to Vally Forge PA and back again. I also got to do a 32-mile ride in Washington DC from National Airport to Mount Vernon and back. Twenty years ago, I tried that trail and gave up after eight miles. It was a reminder to never give up, and that older people can still achieve. The third big ride was a structured event with my brother that weekend in Charlottesville. There were three length options, and we chose the 38-mile course. Less distance than my record, but more hills. There was rain. My chain came off mid-course and I had to repair it. And my body was sluggish and slow, unable to keep the pace of most. But as I sat in the parking lot with Mike after, drinking a beer and sharing war stories of the day, I could not imagine anything more glorious.
In January, Chloe’s Martial Arts gym offered practically free classes for parents during the month. I went. Twice. Like Salsa, I knew it would not be my thing. I kept up with the routines both days, but I did not feel the same euphoria I get from biking. Still, I am glad that I tried it and had the experience.
I took Chloe to her first concert ever! The main group was Cavetown, a group she had been following on Spotify. It wasn’t really my kind of music, though they have a pretty catch tune in Lemon Boy. It was never about the music for me. It was about sharing a first experience with Chloe that she will remember for the rest of her life.
I took my sister Jen and her husband, Chico, to a Jim Croce cover night at a local establishment. When Chico and I first met we discovered our mutual admiration for Croce and bonded over it. The cover was not as talented as we hoped, but the evening was special all the same.
In October, Tania and I bought Ivy a beautiful puppy, for her birthday. Ivy’s request was clear and not for debate. She wanted something small, white, and fluffy. Done. Fiji (Marie) Isabella Stoneking Serrano is a happy little Shih Tzu that loves everyone. She continues to make our home a happier place.
I became a plant person. Together, Tania and I bought well over sixty plants. She always told me you can’t have too many. Recently, I feel like I have gained an intuitive sense of when one may need more sun or water or may thrive more in a different location. There is a gentle peace that comes over me while I tend to them.
As a Christmas gift from my girls and their Mom, I was able to take Ivy and Chloe to see our Celtics play the Wizards in Washington DC. Seeing your team play live is always a treasured moment. But the night was made more special by how interested the girls became, asking questions and making observations. At one point I had to go to the bathroom and when I returned, they were so excited to share every detail of a play and a small fight I had missed. If my girls grow up to be Celtic fans, I have done something right.
The last bucket list item I reached was getting a part in our community theater. And it came out of nowhere. While it was on my list, I was not actively looking for opportunities. I was busy with several projects and frankly I was a bit unsure and afraid of how to even approach any theater group. Then one day I saw a Facebook Announcement that one of our local theater groups was casting for an upcoming play and that one of the lead roles was for a man in his sixties. Um. That’s me. So, I reached out and the Writer/Director invited me to come in for a reading. After doing a dialogue from one scene together and a monologue from another, I became even more hopeful and wondered how the competition and casting would work. I was pleasantly shocked when he offered me the part right then. I didn’t blink. We have now had three rehearsals. The cast is so great, and the environment is so welcoming, focused on the art and collaboration.
The Other Stuff
I know I just shared a bunch of happiness and pride in all of those experiences. And I don’t apologize for it. I want my girls to know what it is like to make the most out of life and love it. At the same time, I have never pretended to have a perfect life. Nobody does. In this same year, I probably washed 217 loads of laundry. I may have folded 189 of those loads. The other times I just shoved them in drawers exhausted. At 62 years old, I wake up every day in pain. I’m not complaining. I know it will be more difficult at 80 and 100 (yep, I’m going for the centennial birthday).
I have had some financial setbacks. There was the $400 toilet repair. My HOA required me to get the outside of my stucco house power washed. Another $400. My refrigerator just died. Replacement, $1,700. I’m told my Jeep won’t pass its next inspection until I replace all four tires. $1,000. Chloe followed Ivy in getting braces and I learned that the insurance got used up on Ivy. My share, $3,000. And I had to pay $600 to have two squirrels safely removed from the ceiling in my basement where they had set up a cozy apartment. For those of you planning on retirement, plan for setbacks like these. Life is still amazing, and I am paying all the bills. But a combination of these unanticipated hits to my budget caused me to break a promise to my daughters and cancel a Spring Break vacation. I can count on one finger how many times I have broken a promise to them. Even just once doesn’t feel good.
Speaking of the girls, while they continue to be the light and joy of my life, they are now teens. Puberty. Emotions. Sassiness. Name Brands. They think they are smarter than me and doggone it, sometimes they are. It’s more work than when they were eight and ten. Parenting is not always easy.
I lost a loving relationship this year. It was a reminder that I have failed in every romantic relationship I have ever had. Reasons were always different. But failure is failure. I tell myself that so many things in my life are great that I don’t have the right to complain about the one area that is not. I’m taking life slower, but I am not ready to give up. Mainly for this issue, I started therapy. It was time to admit that I couldn’t figure this out on my own.
The Remaining Bucket List
Lest anyone think my Bucket List is complete, or a thing of the past, here is where I now stand. Three things are in progress. I got the role in the play, but our public performance is Jene 7 and 8. As I mentioned, the novel is on chapter four. And my fingers will remain crossed, even if I get arthritis, on becoming an Adjunct Professor, unless or until I step into a classroom of my own. Finally, keep an eye out for the formal announcement about the association; many of you will be eligible for membership. Here is what is left beyond these.
I want to take Cooking Class(es). I don’t care what kind, but I really want to learn, and I love being in a kitchen. I want to build or remodel more stuff. It fills me with such satisfaction to see the end results. I want to go to the Sandwich Fair in New Hampshire. I haven’t been in nearly 30 years. I want to go to Italy, not for the tourist stuff, but to sit in outdoor cafes drinking wine and eating pasta. But I only want to do that with a mate, so let’s make sure that is on the list. I want to be able to speak at public affairs courses at both DINFOS and EMI, the two schools I know well. I want to give back. And I want to go to Hell’s Kitchen in Washington DC and have the Beef Wellington. I know Darryl will join me. Maybe others. I want to take my girls on vacation.
I am saving these last two separately because they are a bit nuanced, and I think the reasoning is as important as the event.
I want to go to Wyoming. When I was in 7th grade, we had to draw the name of a state out of a bucket and do a report on it. I got Wyoming. I was mesmerized by the land and the sky. The cowboys and the horses. The cities of Cheyenne, Jackson, Casper. I vowed to travel there when I grew up to see it all for myself. At this point in my life, I have been to every state except for Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wyoming. It doesn’t seem right. My story is not complete.
The last item on my bucket list frequently comes off and back on the list. I want, I think, to drive a motorcycle. A Harley Davidson to be specific. The pro side of this is that I spent my late teen years riding on the back of Stormin’ Norman Atkinson’s motorcycle. Damn we had fun. Every time I see a Harley, I feel like it is a part of me. I have been a blue jean, Jeep, beer drinking guy. That is who I am. Forty years ago, I would have predicted the Harley to be part of that description. On the other side, I am 62 and while that is not too old, I am one of the more uncoordinated clumsy people you will ever meet. If that is not bad enough, I am a bit of an air head and get distracted while driving. I feel like all of that is a recipe for a disaster. I may have found a compromise. In Pennsylvania you can take a five-day course, using their bikes, and earn a license. Then I could go to a Harley dealership and do a test drive and then walk away and never ride again. It seems like a cheesy workaround. I haven’t decided. For now, it’s on the list.
My Passion
In 1979, I watched Steve Martin in The Jerk. Great movie. My favorite line was when he wrote home to his family and shared, “Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh, what a great time I had. I wish the whole family could’ve been here with me.”
I figured out my special purpose around the same time. But I have been searching my whole life for a passion.
I have tried so many hobbies like chess, tennis, guitar, running, painting, drawing…. The list is long. But none of those stuck in such a way that I couldn’t wait to get to them, would feel lost without them. Even biking and cooking don’t count. I went most of the winter without biking and barely cooked in the last year. I spent a lifetime looking for my passion. At one point, my friend Veronica told me that passion was my passion, that I approached everything with passion. That was one of the best complements I ever received. She is now living her passion in Korea. But it’s not like you can share with others, hey, do you want to go be passionate about something together?
A few years ago, before my retirement year, I learned my passion. It was right there in front of my face. I was so engrossed in it that I didn’t even see it. My passion is being a Dad. I truly and deeply love it. Whether it is my grown son, Karl, and seeing him as a good husband and father himself, or my two girls, Ivy and Chloe, even as teens. It is my thing. My jam. It defines me. It is my passion.
And then I retired. Being a Dad has only gotten better. And then I learned, you can have more than one passion. Writing has become an unequivocal, delightful, and compelling passion. As I hit this sentence, I am on page seven, 4,392 words, and there is nobody making me do this. I want to write. I can’t stop writing. I love it.
Maybe I just needed time. Retirement has given me that. And I think I might be on the verge of another passion, theater. In just those three rehearsals, I find myself smiling so much that my jaw hurts after. I’m interested to see how I feel after the actual performances. For now, it doesn’t need the pressure of the passion label. It will all unfold naturally. Ending this narrative, talking about passion may seem out of place. Except, it was actually on my Bucket List.
Conclusion
This is just my retirement year. Like I said, if you have heard one retirement story, you have heard one retirement story. My friend David retired just before me and is spending his time on his boat in the open seas and fresh air. He could probably write a better story, but he is busy living his. And if you just read all of this, thank you for sharing in my journey. Retirement is a cool experience. I would recommend it to everyone. April 20th marks the end of my first retirement year.
I am living life on my terms. And I am only beginning.
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Stoneking Strategic Communications (SSC) 