Hit the Pause Button

The Why, How, and Simplicity of Emotional Intelligence

In the mid 1990’s, I was an Assistant Manager at a Kinko’s Copy Center (since bought out by FedEx in 2004) while I was attending graduate school.  One random Tuesday morning I witnessed the Manager, Steve, approach one of the employees, Dave. 

“Hey Dave, I saw you arrived here today on your new Harley Davidson,” Steve remarked, “Man, that’s a sweet ride.”  Dave was clearly excited that the boss showed an interest in him and his motorcycle and started discussing some of the cool features.  Within mere seconds, Steve’s eyes glazed over and seemed both distracted and bored.  So much so, that Dave quit speaking in the middle of a sentence and walked away, with Steve not even noticing.

I approached Steve and asked him why he brought up the topic if he wasn’t interested.  He told me, with surprising enthusiasm and a complete lack of self-awareness, that he recently learned in a manager’s training course that you can make better connections with employees, and ultimately better performance, if you took notice of their interests.

I wish I could have gone back in time two minutes and just hit the pause button.  Long before emotional intelligence and empathy became buzz words, Steve was missing the point.  If you want to take a deep dive into these topics, there is plenty of research, quizzes, and courses, that include a bunch of ten-dollar words and sometimes they will even label where you are at on the spectrum.  By all means, take them.  If you prefer the short, easy path, feel free to read on. 

Why Emotional Intelligence is Important

I can think of two reasons to pursue emotional intelligence.  In simplest terms, either to get what you want or to just be a better version of yourself.  They are not mutually exclusive.  However, if you are only focused on selfish goals, you are likely to make the same kind of mistakes as my Kinko’s manager.  George Burns once said, “The key to success is sincerity.  If you can fake that you’ve got it made.”  Unfortunately, too many people have taken this idea literally.  He was joking.  Sincerity is inherently honest and genuine.  Sincerity cannot be faked.  Sincerity works and is foundational to Emotional Intelligence.

Emotional Intelligence is important to leaders and the workplace in general because it improves team dynamics, increases productivity, and enhances problem-solving.  Wait.  There’s more.  Emotional Intelligence results in constructive feedback, greater employee development, and a reduction in personnel turnover.  There is even more, but that should be enough reasons.  In fact, you would be hard pressed to find an argument against Emotional Intelligence, “Hey Bob, I was thinking, maybe we should dumb down our ability to communicate effectively, show less concern for our colleagues, and not value our relationships.  Can we tone that all down a bit,” said nobody, ever. 

How to Become Emotionally Intelligent

So, we agree.  It rocks.  How do we get there?  First, it is not an all-or-nothing proposal.  None of us are perfectly emotionally intelligent, and none of us are completely devoid of emotional intelligence.  Yet, we are all well served by doing a few things more effectively.  Let’s listen more than we talk.  We can show a genuine interest in others.  Don’t judge.  We can share our own personal experiences – it helps us to connect as humans and gives our colleagues topics to be interested in.  Actually, value relationships.  We are not in this alone.  Celebrate the positive.  Think about what we say and how we say it.  Try to look at things from other people’s perspectives.  Let’s work to better balance our heart and our brain if necessary.  Remember to breathe.  Stand and stretch.  Take a time-out.  These last three ideas are all examples of hitting the pause button. 

We actually learned all of these things in kindergarten.   Some of us just forgot them along the way.  It’s like riding a bike.

The Simplicity

Many people interchange the terms Emotional Intelligence with Empathy.  Empathy is just one component.  But it is an important component.  Fortunately, it does not need to be complicated either.  Empathy has become one of those buzz words that can be hard to define for some of us.  I have heard people falsely exclaim that either a person is empathetic, or they are not.  Not true.  Empathy does not equal sympathy.  Empathy does not equal agreement.  Empathy is the ability to understand other people’s emotions. It’s getting the idea that everyone has their own feelings, hopes, dreams, triggers and fears. Empathy is allowing their feelings to resonate with ours so we can respond in an appropriate way.  That’s it.  At its ultimate level, empathy is no longer about balancing our brains and our heart, but rather eventually having them walk hand-in-hand together. 

Let’s bring it down a notch that is even simpler.  Empathy is nothing more and nothing less than the Golden Rule – treating others the way we want them to treat us.  Period.  We can all do that. 

Don’t be intimidated by Emotional Intelligence.  Maybe we just try to be a little more emotionally smart than yesterday.  A little more aware.  A little more self-aware.  And if we find ourselves in a meeting or conversation and notice that things are heading in the wrong direction, we can just hit the pause button.

We can all do this.  And we can all do it better.  We just have to want to do it.

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