Going Out to Eat

The Evolution of Interpersonal Communication

The following is a true summary of conversations I have had with partners over the years and how they have evolved over time.  While the topic here is about going out to eat, similar progressions can be applied to myriad conversations.  I have shared this vignette verbally for years, but this is the first time I have written it down.  There happens to be two genders identified because that is really what they happened to be.  But I don’t think gender is the point and these could easily be reversed.  I will get to my thoughts at the end. 

Freshman Level

She:  Where do you want to go out to eat tonight?
Me:  Wherever you want.
She: I want you to decide.
Me:  You brought it up.  We can wait to go until you decide what you want.

The conversation turns into an argument. 

Sophomore Level

She:  Where do you want to go out to eat tonight?
Me:  Wherever you want.
She: I want you to decide.
Me:  Let’s go out for Mexican.
She:  We had that last week.
Me:  See!  This is why I wanted you to decide.  You didn’t really want me to decide.

The conversation turns into an argument. 

Junior Level

She:  Where do you want to go out to eat tonight?
Me:  Wherever you want.
She: I want you to decide.
Me:  Let’s go out for Mexican.
She:  We had that last week.
Me:  How about Thai food?
She:  You know that’s too spicy for me.
Me:  How about Italian?
She:  Oh, yes, that’s sounds perfect if that is what you want.
Me:  I wanted Mexican!  Why do we play this stupid game if you knew you wanted Italian?

The conversation turns into an argument. 

Senior Level

She:  Where do you want to go out to eat tonight?
Me:  Wherever you want.
She: I want you to decide.
Me:  Let’s go out for Mexican.
She:  We had that last week.
Me:  How about Thai food?
She:  You know that’s too spicy for me.
Me:  How about Italian?
She:  Oh, yes, that’s sounds perfect if that is what you want.
Me:  It really is what I want.  I can almost smell the lasagna now.  Shall we get our coats?

The conversation ended happily.  The conversation ended, happily.  Happily, the conversation ended. 

Graduate Level

She:  Where do you want to go out to eat tonight?
Me:  How about we go to that cute little Italian restaurant we walked by last week.  You seemed interested in it, and I would love to take you there.  And afterwards, we can take a walk in the park and just talk and hold hands under the moonlight?
She: I love you.  And next week, we can go back to the Mexican place and order your favorite enchilada combo platter.  And after we can watch the game together.
Me:  I love you too.  I love our life.

The conversation has only just begun, but date night is off to a great start.  A win-win.

I think this is a microcosm of how all both interpersonal conversations (whether intimate, cordial, or professional) can evolve.  Interpersonal communication relies on trust, listening, and understanding.   We can achieve more if we start from a position of assuming positive intent (unless given valid reasons not to do so).  What evolves in this example is that “Me” transitions from looking at the situation from his perspective, to looking at it from “She’s” perspective.  Me first does this to appease and seek peace.  Ultimately, Me graduates to a position by truly listening and considering his audience, where Me is able to reap the benefits of effective interpersonal communications.  She does the same in the end.  This works one-on-one as well as one-on-one hundred.  

I’m in the mood for Spaghetti tonight.  But that probably will not be where I start the conversation.

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