Donut! Don’t. Don’t? Did it.

I can still remember my 3^rd grade teacher, Miss Earle, teaching us the four types of sentences.

Exclamatory.  There’s a yummy donut!
Imperative.  Don’t eat the donut.
Interrogative.  Why not eat the donut?
Declarative.  I already ate the donut.

Simple, right?  Not as simple these days.  There has been a secret and subtle transition over the last decade.  It is a conspiracy, for sure.  I’m not paranoid.  Follow the logic.

Historically, the most common type of sentence has been the declarative.   It was everywhere.  It was the cool kid.  Declaratives don’t make demands, get overly excited or ever seem confused.  Walter Cronkite used them all the time on the CBS evening news.  I don’t love that I had to go that far back.  You didn’t have to be famous to use them.  You could hear them on any playground.  Hi, my name is Preston.  My name is Hannah.  I like the swings.  I like the slide.  The structure was simple, typically just consisting of a subject and a predicate.  Those were the days.

Over time, the other sentences started getting out of control and manipulative.  I just scrolled through some online advertisements – no hard research here.  And this is what I found in seconds.  “Can you clear the board?” [interrogative] “Tired of coming home with feet sore from dress shoes?” [interrogative] “Order two for $45 only!” [exclamatory, imperative] “Test your math skills.” [imperative] “Try America’s #1 meal kit.” [imperative].  To be fair, these are not particularly egregious, but without research, these are quick and consistent finds.   Now, advertisements are intended to sell, so we can expect a bit of manipulation.  Caveat Emptor.

What about the news, then, since Cronkite’s sad passing?  I just cut and pasted the following examples, again in mere seconds, from the facing web pages of CNN, Fox News, and the Philadelphia Inquirer.  “What happens if you don’t pay your student loans?” [interrogative] “Watch wife’s reaction when Army soldier husband surprises her.” [imperative] Should you stop drinking Diet Coke? [interrogative] “We were wrong about spotted lanternflies.  Kill them anyway.” [declarative, imperative] “Who is Bob Menendez wife, Nadine? Who else was charged in the indictment?” [interrogative, interrogative]. 

Let’s wrap up the review with a look at social media posts.  Again, I found these in a heartbeat.  No longer advertising or news; this is all of us; this is humanity.  “Join my team.” [LinkedIn imperative] “If you’re an entrepreneur, what helped you kickstart your business? Share in the comments so we can help others make it!” [LinkedIn interrogative, imperative, exclamatory – the trifecta] “Have you ever been an interior designer? Just one question, I’ve got to ask, the toilet paper placement?” [Facebook, interrogative, interrogative] “Worship, Waffles, and Water!” [Facebook, exclamatory] “WHAT DO YOU REALLY DO FOR A LIVING?” [NextDoor, interrogative, and let’s throw in exclamatory for all capital letters] “What is the point of the post? My English teacher would have assigned a low grade for the lack of clear messaging!” [NextDoor, interrogative, exclamatory] “Don’t put links on here that require you to subscribe before you can view. It really is a waste of our time.” [NextDoor, imperative, declarative]. 

I share all this to lay the foundation for this – if you are the receiver, beware; and if you are the sender, think twice and be strategic.  Because these three cousins of the declarative have some baggage that we should know before they quickly slip into our unconscious while we read, write, listen and speak quickly. 

The imperative is a pretentious bully.  Neither advertisers, newscasters, nor social media connections have the right to tell you what to do.   And we don’t have that right either.   In emergency management we have been telling people to “build a kit” [imperative] for thirty years without success.  Another option is to present the facts [declarative] and let people make their own decisions.  People also don’t buy flood insurance or evacuate only because they are told to do so.  In fact, many rebel at what they see as government manipulation.

The interrogative is the sneaky one.  They used to play well with declaratives and would seek to fill in gaps of information.  They used to be genuine.  Nowadays, more often than not, the interrogative is no longer seeing more information.  Many times, they are being used as a rhetorical, like “are you freakin’ kidding me?” or “Is the Pope Catholic?”  or “Does a bear poop in the woods?”  They come across as sarcastic, unprofessional, and ineffective.  Other times, and way too often, they are being used to tease the recipient to dig deeper.  When I saw the question about whether I wanted to clear the board, I was tempted to show them my skills.  But I realized they just wanted to sell me an app that wouldn’t even look like the picture.  The interrogative is losing credibility.  They have become clickbait.  We all fall prey from time to time through social media, but that doesn’t mean we have to follow the same path in our writing.  What is in your family’s communication plan?  That’s a silly question, especially when there is no vehicle for a response.  We could just lay down some declaratives that demonstrate the value in facts. 

The exclamatory is the saddest of all, and fairly annoying!  They have fallen so far from grace!  At one point, they were the most important of the group! Fire!  Help! A prisoner has escaped!   But when so many sentences end with an exclamation point, the ones who really deserve one are lost in the shuffle!  And they are even less effective when we double and triple them up!!!   It’s like we are trying to be very excited, very meaningful, very honest!  You are either excited, meaningful and honest or you are not!  The exclamation points and the “very” no longer sway people!  In fact, if you search for sentence types, some of the results will only list the other three!  The exclamatory has become the Pluto of grammar! Whether you tell me “Tornado watch,” or “Tornado watch!” the behavioral response will be the same!  I can see the lesson learned discussion now, “But boss, I even used two exclamation points!!” 

I’m not suggesting all imperatives, interrogatives, and explanatories are bad.   I don’t advocate their demise.  I do, however, suggest that they be used more sparingly and strategically.  And I encourage us to consider what these sentences are trying to do, both as senders and receivers.  There is a conspiracy afoot, and the declarative is not going down without a fight.

I enjoyed writing this.  Share it with your friends.  They will love it!  See what I did there?

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