A Stand-up Comedy Act
[Opening]
You ever hear the term bucket list?
Yeah, apparently that’s the list of things you want to do before you die.
Who came up with that name? “Bucket list.”
I don’t know about you, but if I’m putting my hopes and dreams somewhere, it’s not going in a bucket.
Buckets are for mop water, fish guts, and emergency vomit situations.
It’s like saying, “Before I die, I want to accomplish all my dreams… and also scrub a toilet.”
(Audience riff point: “Anyone here actually have a bucket list?” Wait for a few hands, then say…)
Look at you! Already planning your death like it’s a corporate retreat. Good for you.
[On procrastination]
And have you noticed… most stuff on people’s bucket lists?
It’s just things they could’ve done their entire life… but didn’t… because meh.
Suddenly, you hit a certain age and you’re like, “I HAVE to go skydiving!”
Really? You had 50 years to do it, Brenda. You just discovered gravity wasn’t going anywhere?
Gravity’s like, “Yeah… I’ve been here the whole time, sweetheart. Waiting. Patiently.” Brenda’s just discovering gravity now? What’s next — electricity?
Honestly, some of you are so late starting your bucket list, you don’t need a bucket. You need an IV drip list. Just hook it up, let it feed you the adventures slowly, and maybe you finish before the nurse changes shifts. Because why rush dying when you can take the scenic route? I mean, that and a bed pan and you’re all set.
[Lowering expectations]
I think we should lower the bar. Forget a list, have a single wish.
One thing. That way you’re not stressed.
Because nothing says, “peaceful final years” like looking at a 45-item spreadsheet of all your past failures.
You don’t need a bucket — you need a Post-it note.
Just write: “Don’t die” and stick it to the fridge.
[Travel bucket lists]
And why do so many people’s bucket lists only include… trips?
“Before I die, I’m going to Paris!”
Cool. That’s just vacation number 17, Janet. It’s not exactly climbing Everest.
(Audience riff point)
Anybody here been to Paris? Yeah? How was it?
See — that’s not a bucket list. Paris is just a fancy way to get roasted for your accent — might as well save the airfare and visit your racist uncle.
Even Everest, people? That’s just vacation with frostbite.
If your dream is “visit Italy,” just… go. You don’t need a bucket. You need a ticket, a passport, and a friend who’s okay with you mispronouncing “gnocchi” [Nyow-kee] for ten days straight.
[Overdoing it]
Some people make their bucket lists so intense.
“cage diving with sharks, run a marathon, learn Mandarin, see the Northern Lights.”
Learning Mandarin? Man, I’m still trying to learn how to reply to texts with the right emoji.
And the Northern Lights? You can watch that on your TV with a bag of Orville Redenbacher’s popcorn and save about $4,000.
Maybe scale it back. How about: Eat a sandwich… slowly… without checking your phone.
(Callback)
And for God’s sake, put that sandwich on a plate, not in a filthy bucket.
And instead of looking for joy in a bucket, maybe just focus gratitude on the things that we do have in our lives. Wait. That’s crazy talk. My bad.
[The real problem]
And I get why people make them — it’s that fear of running out of time.
But you know what’s worse than dying without a bucket list?
Dying halfway through it.
Imagine dying halfway through — that’s like binge-watching your favorite show on Netflix and the Wi-Fi cuts out.
Imagine Brenda checking out mid-skydive. She just plummets into heaven like, “Welp, crossed that one off the list…” I guess she “kicked the bucket.” Does that count? Good for her.
I wonder if God has a bucket that he gives us. “Here you go. Take this and go mop cloud nine.”
[Closing — true story]
And here’s the truth — I actually made a real bucket list two years ago when I retired. It had 27 things on it. And because I move fast… and I have OCD… I knocked out most of them in the first two months.
Two years later, I’ve only got one thing left on that list – Do a stand-up comedy act. Oh, wait!
So… if you’re here tonight, congratulations. You are watching a man cheat death in real time.
I’m just defying odds… and the expiration date on milk.
If I ever do start another bucket list, maybe I will put buying a Harley Davidson Iron 883 back on the list. I took it off because I didn’t want to die. But at this point, what do I have to lose?
Thank you all for your kindness and helping me with my bucket list. May all your dreams come true… unless it involves going to Paris.
Stoneking Strategic Communications (SSC) 